olivia romano

enneagram four

20 december 2018

When I was younger, I thought that my life would be made into a movie one day.  I often even pretended that I was in a movie.  The music on the radio was the background to my sad day, and I walked and talked and acted like there were other people watching as I did normal things like brush my teeth or practiced piano.  I distinctly remember listening to Bad Day by Daniel Powter through my earbuds while looking out my bedroom window when it rained.  In hindsight, I think I was just searching for ways to make the mundane more meaningful.  I saw life as a drama and I wanted mine to be the grandest, most enticing, and most irresistible of them all.  I think that pretty much sums it up, or at least gives a launch point for the rest of me.  I think this project that Merry has envisioned is so intriguing and challenging.  It was difficult for me to pull together the pieces of who I am into a cohesive narrative, so I did it more poetry-style with some snippets and phrases that I think get to the heart of it (which, after all, is all I am ever trying to get to).

BEAUTY
 It is in everything
 If I look hard enough
 Beyond stargazing and 
 Cloud watching
 It’s worth driving out of my way for
 Worth cultivating if only for myself
 It’s in half-finished work
 And travelling around the world
 In sparkling glasses
 In sparkling eyes
 It is the richness of life that I love so much and
 And even in the
 Parts of life that
 Aren’t overtly beautiful
 Sadness, tragedy, and suffering
 Are graced notes I welcome in my symphony  

FEELINGS
 They are strong
 They are fast
 I know that they belong to me
 Sometimes I forget they are not me
 Because of them I’m fiery
 And stubborn
 And overjoyed 
 Sometimes they are roadblocks
 To otherwise balmy days
 Like an echo of one bad reaction’s venom
 Sustaining and permeating
 Becoming insurmountable
 Yet the intensity of joy and hope that I can feel
 Colors life in a kaleidoscope 
 And whether good or bad
 I want to sit in them and with them
 To sort through them and feel them
 Fully so as to
 Understand
 More of who I am  

INTERIORITY
 There is a part of me
 That I know I can get to
 It is inward and hidden
 Even from me
 The background of these
 Interior swirls
 Is the drama of life
 Playing the future and past
 The unattainable and 
 Never again to be grasped
 This can be dangerous 
 To be consumed from within
 But it is good to ponder
 As one full of grace so did
 To mull over and simmer in
 The wonder unfolding within and around 
 And the perhaps the greatest miracle of all?
 Pausing to gaze inward has opened the 
 Door to let 
 Others share snippets of their
 Interior
 Life with me 

CREATIVITY
 Out of broken and mangled and
 Shards of pieces together
 Comes something new
 That wasn’t here before
 But it’s a part of me
 The interior swirls
 Move outward and dance
 Over paper and ivory keys
 Over frying pans and paint brushes
 Over twine and dark ink
 All the white space is pure gold to me
 Possibilities
 For all that wells up inside
 To spill over into 
 Something concrete
 That I can hold and I can see
 And this is key
 To processing 
 The dark deep blue waters
 That wave inside of me 

DEPTHS
 If it is not real or true or pure
 I do not want it
 The conversation or companion
 The story or belief
 Beyond and within there is more to what is given
 And I know this typically from first glance
 But not everyone I meet
 Wants to dive so deep
 So when there is a spark 
 Connection is honey-sweet
 So let me talk with you one at a time
 I will put my phone away
 I will look you in the eyes
 And I will hold your gaze even if you lose mine
 There is always more to what catches one glance
 Women on trains
 Men on bikes
 Could it be that even
 The strangers on the corner
 Have a just as interesting drama
 Occurring in their own lives 

UNIQUENESS
 Nose pressed against
 Cold front windows
 It is feeling outside
 Or other than
 But I am not sure
 If I was locked out
 Or if the door was always open
 But I never tried pushing it
 Maybe there is some secret
 That everyone else is in on
 Still I wouldn’t surrender
 Any part of me
 To be adopted into the blur
 I should hope to remain 
 A mystery
 While still being understood
 These unrepeatable
 Freckles and
 Sapphires and 
 Nose scrunch
 Are gates to
 Sprinkled joy and
 Rooted beliefs and
 Stubbornness that
 Unfold like a flower with time
 So I am still learning
 That though everyone is unrepeatable
 Their uniqueness does not 
 Diminish mine